Parents, and generally all adults, can be ordinary, neurotic, and phenomenal. This is a "talking" classification. According to the first words, it can be assumed how some parents differ from others, however we will try to describe each type in detail separately.
Portrait of a neurotic type parent
From these parents you can expect a hysterical and nervous reaction to any circumstances; such negative emotions act as blockers that interfere with solving pressing problems, judiciously analyze the situation, act. They selflessly worry about any occasion, constantly complain, look around for the guilty. And if their complaints are full of sincerity, then the search for the guilty is reduced to shifting responsibility (often unreasonably) for the existing troubles to those close to you, but not to yourself. Neurotic mothers often suffer from tantrums, depressed mood, prolonged depressive states.
Since they do not see personal guilt in everything that is happening, they only have to do what to worry about, upset, tirelessly complain about their difficult fate, to perceive everything in tragic colors. They hardly manage to admit their mistakes and imperfections. However, in reality it turns out that their fault is most of all in their own difficulties and problems, because they are not able to respond to them correctly. Neurotic parents will deny to the last that they have completely normal children who develop and act by virtue of their age, and that the problem is in themselves. They are not familiar with self-criticism, self-irony, the recognition of their own mistakes.
Neurotics are endowed with the ability to keep close to the people they need in various ways: through blackmail, natural charm, fear, guilt.
Parents of this type are inclined to loudly and figuratively criticize for any reason, to endure the suffering from the imperfection of the universe. They speak more than listen, simply “do not see and do not hear” or “do not want to see and hear” their children. Adults who belong to the category of neurotics are constantly updating their child: any act or emotion of a child is criticized, he is given countless prohibitions, reprimands, decisions are made for him, inconsistency in the use of methods of encouragement or punishment is noted.
The desire of parents to develop discipline in the child comes down to the fact that he simply is not left with the opportunity to choose the option of behavior that he considers necessary; the child is limited in independence, deprived of the right to object to the elders, even if his rightness is obvious. A neurotic parent seeks to fully possess his child; controlling every step, he sees nothing wrong with breaking the will of a small family member.
In communication with the child, irritation, anguish, anxiety, suspiciousness are noted, since it seems to them that the child is doing everything wrong. There are unnecessary fears of anything that could harm the child.
Neurotic parents do not experience the joy of staying in their own home, as, indeed, in any other place. But the saddest thing is that their own children annoy and annoy them, and in their homes they organize an uncomfortable atmosphere, characterized by tension, nervousness.
Portrait of ordinary parents
They are ordinary people for whom nothing human is alien. Their “parenting” style cannot be called ideal: they make mistakes, fill up cones, repeatedly step on the same rake, and at times lose control over their emotions and actions. But this is quite natural, because parents are also people. They sometimes refuse to take care of their own children, citing strong adult work, and sometimes devote all their free time to playing and playing with children. They may admit their mistakes, or they may not notice obvious mistakes in education. “Ordinary” parents do not receive satisfaction and enjoyment from “parenting” for various reasons: they do not know how to do this, they lack time; while secretly dreaming of the imminent growth of children.
“Ordinary” parents have no desire to understand the intricacies of the child’s psyche, the intricacies of interpersonal interaction, and therefore they can’t build trusting relationships with households. However, they masterly find all kinds of explanations for their eternal workload. Neglecting sincere and unhurried communication, they regularly cope with their household duties (they always feed, clothe, dress, provide all their children with all necessary things), and they also carefully criticize and force them to study. Organizing the everyday atmosphere in the family, they bring something of their own into it, corresponding only to their concept of normality.
Portrait of phenomenal parents
Such parents believe that they are very lucky in life, because they have a child. Therefore, they see their mission as not only to feed, clothe, put on shoes and heal their child, that is, to satisfy his basic needs, but also to make him happy. They enjoy their being and “parenting,” in particular; live in pleasure and raise children also with enthusiasm, joy. Parents of a phenomenal type are able to see the world in its various manifestations through the eyes of their children.
A good sense of humor, enthusiasm, unconventional approaches, creativity, and nobleness of the soul help them cope with their parental responsibilities. They establish equality of position in communication with the child, which allows you to correctly accept and recognize a small family member.
Aware of the responsibility for their own "parenting", they do not look for those responsible for their failures, making mistakes in education, they acknowledge them and learn lessons. Phenomenal parents are not alien to experiences, anxiety, suffering from parental fate. However, one remarkable feature distinguishes these parents from the neurotic: they are not possessed by negative emotions, and do not deprive them of their ability to think, analyze, and find a way out of a difficult situation: they act decisively, wisely, and can emotionally respond to what is happening. But at the same time, they cannot be called reactionary people; rather, they are people of judicious reaction to life's difficulties, which are no less than the rest.
Phenomenal parents have another distinguishing feature - the ability to work on themselves, improve themselves, and focus on personal growth. They are able to create a favorable atmosphere in the house, a space of love, to establish interpersonal relationships between households, to establish and maintain invisible ties with their children.
The quality of family communication
People, both adults and children, build verbal communications. This can be both effective communication and problematic, both long-term and limited in time. Present in the life of every person, communication varies in quality.
Intra-family communication, or rather its quality, determines the level of interpersonal relations between households, parents and children, with each other and with the world around, and as a result, it recognizes how happy all family members are. Depending on how much effort has been put into establishing a productive interaction, it will depend on whether the result is luxurious human communication or terrible, neurotic. Intra-family communication affects the family way of life and how the child grows up: a full-fledged person or a person with low self-esteem, not capable of personal development.
Parents, depending on whether they belong to one or another category (phenomenal, neurotic, ordinary), will build communication of the family of appropriate quality, consciously or unconsciously.
• Neurotic communication. It is a stormy and nervous communication, when people constantly complain about something, make demands, fall asleep with criticism, and at the same time they are worried because of failed communication.
In neurotic communication, you will not find joy, praise, lightness, it is often filled with insults, claims, insults, tension. Each of the participants in the conversation tries to argue and even shout over the interlocutor. They don’t hear the child, they don’t understand him, but most importantly, they don’t accept him as a person.
• Everyday communication. Participants in this type of communication try to talk with each other, at least exchange common phrases, “How was your day?”, Or “What's new?”, Or “Did something happen to you?”, “Are you late for school today?” ". Communication is not always accompanied by understanding and acceptance of the position of another; screams, insults and insults are not excluded. But after the “communicative fiasco,” the participants try to reconcile, ask for forgiveness, apologize. During normal communication, parents and children turn to jokes, funny aphorisms, they are not averse to laughing and fooling around, but they do not always succeed in preserving each other's mood.
Participants in ordinary communication do not want to understand the psychology of human communication, so they are not familiar with the pleasure received from simple intra-family speech communication, as well as heart-to-heart conversations filled with trust. However, no one thinks about this, nor does he seek to change anything.
Communication can be characterized by the following epithets: fresh, inexpressive, everyday. How often have you seen such a dialogue? Perhaps you yourself participated in it?
- Seryozha, how are you doing at school?
- All is well. Today there were 4 lessons.
- Have you asked a lot?
- No, only math and English exercises.
“Will you eat or sit down for lessons right away?”
“Perhaps I’ll do my homework first to go out with my friends in the evening.”
- Good.
From this dialogue one can judge the exchange of information that has taken place, but not about successful, productive speech communication. Each of the participants received answers to the questions asked, however, attention, warmth, concern in these messages were not noticed.
• Luxurious communication. Its participants not only exchange information, give answers to questions, share their opinions, but also bring something of their own to the communication: a piece of love, good mood, kindness. As a result, communication becomes sincere, thoughtful, sincere, unhurried, emotionally filled. If you ask the children if they like to communicate with their parents in this way, they will respond positively, but they will not be able to explain why. Children are well aware when a parent who is nearby and communicates with him is well-disposed; they feel the affectionate whisper of the soul of an adult loving person. In such communication, the child is not perceived by the parent as an object of educational influences, but is recognized as an ally, creator and creator of a common family life.
By organizing an atmosphere of peace, trust, security in the house, you thereby create a space, a “living environment” in which your children will grow up successful, happy, healthy and cheerful, and adults will be held in a career, in “parenting”.
